Too hard to understand or too hard to explain??

I sometimes wonder (between anxious thoughts) if anxiety is too difficult to explain to someone or its too difficult for someone thats not anxious to understand! Or maybe it's both? It's really difficult to explain to someone that when you are convinced you have a brain tumor that you 100% believe that you have a brain tumor, you're not just being dramatic or whatever you can feel genuine symptoms of a brain tumor. Ok its not always a brain tumor, maybe its some other illness but my point is it feels so real at the time and once Anxious Annie has let that teeny tiny thought pop into your head it consumes your whole life. You start thinking about it the second you open your eyes in the morning and its still there when eventually manage to fall asleep at night.

What made me wonder this is I have a really up and down relationship with my dad, he's a proper stiff upper lip type, pull yourself together etc. Because of this it took me a really long time to tell him about my anxiety, and when i did i tried to play down how bad it is, until the fathers day card incident anyway! When he took offence that i had posted his card, i tried to explain to him that when i'm feeling really panicky i find it really difficult to leave the house and that the stress of making plans to see people is a real trigger for anxiety for me. So he came to see me at the weekend, first time i've seen him in 3 months and first time he's been to our house in 6 months and first thing he said to me in his best patrionising voice was 'how's the attack things then' meaning my panic attacks. So then i wonder is this how everyone that knows me views my anxiety, like its a joke or its something i'm putting on? But how do i explain it to them? Will they think i'm going mad if i tell them all the things that i worry about? Will the men in white coats be knocking on my door if i tell them i literally worry every second of the day?

I don't think i can come to any conclusion whether anxiety is too hard to explain to someone or whether it's just too hard to understand. I certainly think it's misunderstood as with alot of other mental health issues, maybe more publicity for anxiety would mean less ignorance towards it. More people have a better understanding of depression over the last 5 years at least because its become ok to talk about it, its on tv, its in newspapers etc. But I still can't say to people that i suffer with anxiety because i'm just not sure that people will understand.

help help help!!

Its been playing on my mind for a while now that i can't really keep on struggling through life coping with my anxiety to the best that i can. My boy will be starting nursery later in the year which means there will be times when i am alone! EEEK that scares me, i'm most anxious when i'm on my own. So i need help! But what help?

I have tried various kinds of help i started with CBT with a brand new therapist i think i was her first ever patient, when i think back now its quite funny but she would just sit and read off paper to me and my sessions would last between 5 and 8 minutes!! After 6 very short sessions with her she felt i'd be better off seeing someone more senior than her. So here we go CBT round 2, the sessions were alot longer now, they were between 45 minutes and an hour. I'm not sure how much more helpful i found these sessions as the therapist thought this would be a good time to discuss her recent divorce!! 15 sessions later i felt i'd given her all the councilling on divorce that i could and it was now time for us to part company.

So maybe therapy like that isn't right for me? I was offered group therapy which i attended (shame no one else did) so that came to an end. So i'm left floating through life wondering what my next move should be. I own several self help books, that when i'm motivated and in the mood to concentrate i do read and it helps me to read other people's experiences of anxiety and reassures me i'm not the only one that feels like this. I'm not sure self help books are my miracle cure though.

Well that leaves medication! Which so far has been a big fat no for me. I don't take medication, i have anxiety which means that i will read the leaflet that comes with all medication and am absolutely convinced that i will suffer every side effect and possibly some more! I also feel like i won't be me if i'm taking medication, i'm not sure that even makes sense when i say it out loud but it makes sense to me.

So i guess this leaves me back where i started...... searching for the 'thing' that works for me.

Living in a world of 'what if'

'What if i have a heart attack' 'What if i go blind while i'm driving' 'What if i say something silly' 'What if i faint' 'What if i do something to embarrass myself'........ This is what goes through my head 24 hours a day 7 days a week! My brain never stops, I seem to of got into a habbit of jumping to the worst case scenario all the time, my headache isn't a headache its a brain tumor! Cramp in my leg isn't cramp its a blood clot! If i go out of my house something bad WILL happen. When did my brain stop being rational and introduce me to the world of what if's! Well obviously i know the answer to that, it was when anxious annie moved in with all of her baggage!

I can't actally remember what it was like to not always assume the worst situation possible, when a headache was just a headache and pain killers were the solution not brain surgery. I forgot to mention that Anxious Annie also has the ability to see into the future (she's a talented lady), when i have this headache that's a brain tumor i can start imaging trips to the dr's and telling my family i'm ill and going through horrific treatments and planning what'll happen to my son. So then i drive myself mad because in 30 seconds flat i've gone from a headache to planning my funeral! No wonder i'm so tired all the time all this brain activity is hard work!

So what do i do with all these what if's? As much as i can i try and let them float round my head and not give them the time of day, but sometimes its really hard and once i give any thought a little bit of my time it gets well and truly wedged in my head and there's just no shifting it, and it can be stuck there for weeks until i just haven't got the energy to worry about it anymore.

Anxious Annie strikes again.....

I've not blogged for a few days, its not been the best few days. First of all had a run in with my dad, he doesn't understand anxiety, he's very much from a generation of 'just pull yourself together'. He was offended that i had posted his fathers day card rather than take it round. So this lead to a day of crying, i couldn't shake off feeling hurt that he seems to make no attempt to understand that I can't just leave the house at the drop of a hat, and i try not to make arrangements to see people because the pressure to be somewhere at a set time makes me anxious then i end up letting people down.

So 2 days after the nasty emails from my dad i was starting to forget what had happened and i'd decided i was going to make a dentist appointment, i'd been putting it off for a while because i need 2 fillings and a tooth out and i'm worried i'll panic when i'm in the dentist chair. So i ring the dentist which in itself is a big thing for me to do, to be told by some super snotty receptionist that my dentist has decided she doesn't want to see me again because i have cancelled my last 4 appointments. Then when i tried to explain to the receptionist that this is because i suffer badly with anxiety she said i was rude and didn't want to speak to me any longer and hung up. So this felt like another kick in the ribs, and resulted in another afternoon / evening of crying.

Anxious Annie just loves when i'm stressed out, she rears her ugly head when i'm really stressed and feeling low. Last night i remember waking up in a complete panic and i have no idea why, my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest and i was shaking. I've felt really obsessed about my heart lately, and i convince myself any time that i am on my own then i will have a heart attack, so i can't be on my own, i can't remember the last time i went anywhere completely on my own. I panic at the thought of being on my own, and i am going to sound so selfish but if i could have my other half home with me all the time i would because then i feel safe. I'd love it if we could all stay at home all the time, i have my food shopping delivered and do all my shopping online so i don't have to leave the house.

I ordered yet another self help book last week, so i'm going to start reading it and hope that it gives me some inspiration. I'm considering another trip to my gp so they can sound really fed up of me and write me out another prescription for citalopram. Maybe this time i need to start taking it though, its been nearly 4 years and i'm so fed up of feeling like this. I feel like i'm just floating through life, i'm not really living and i almost feel like i'm on another planet.

A long day!

I wonder if Anxious Annie will ever leave? Is this my life forever now? Will I never go more than half an hour from home because i start to panic? Went to my local shop today for bread for my little one's lunch, took me 3 hours to get the confidence to step out the front door, life shouldn't be like this. I only have a 2 minute walk to my local shop, and as soon as i stepped through the door my head started spinning, my vision went blurry, my heart started pounding and i felt really on edge and like everyone could tell i was panicking. My biggest worry (and i know it sounds silly) but my biggest worry when i'm in a shop is when i get to the till to pay is my hand will go numb and i won't be able to pay and i'll look really silly.

So anyway even though i was panicked and in a state i made it to the shop and home again in one piece with my loaf of bread. I hate the physical symptoms that comes with anxiety, my first thought isn't that the symptoms are associated with my anxiety its that there is something seriously wrong. I'm scared of dying (you've know idea how hard it was for me to write that), I can't say the 'd' word out loud i can't say cancer (eeek) either, i feel like if i mention it, then it will happen to me like i'm tempting fate or something. Yes the rational side of me does know how ridiculous that sounds don't worry!

I can't watch the news or read newspapers, i avoid anything that will put worries in my head. And i know some people would say to me avoidance is not the answer, but sometimes you just gotta do what gets you through the day. I don't ever relax or wind down, i'm convinced if i relax then i'm letting my guard down and something bad will happen. I drive my poor other half mad because i don't sit back on the sofa i sit on the very edge of the seat and i make the cushions go flat (oops).

Ok so i've probably waffled enough for tonight, i strangely feel better for letting all the waffle out. Maybe this blog malarky is a good thing...

The Start

So Anxious Annie sounds like she should be some kind of super hero, she's really not! She's whatever the complete opposite of a super hero would be. She's scared of everything and she's even scared of being scared. And obviously she doesn't really exist, she's me or i'm her? oh i don't know but i know that i live daily with anxiety and i hope that by writing on here about living with generalised anxiety disorder and panic disorder i could give people some understanding of what its like to live like this.

So 4 years ago i was in someway living a 'normal' life, i say normal because it was a life before anxiety. I'd leave the house, i saw friends and family and never really worried about anything. Then came february 2009, i was 3 weeks away from getting married and 9 weeks pregnant with our first baby, i couldn't of been  happier. Then my world came crashing round me, i lost the baby.

Losing a baby wasn't something i had even thought could happen to me, not in a selfish kind of way just in a its one of those things that happens to other people kind of way. 6 months on from this i fell pregnant again, and this is when anxious annie moved in! Little did i know this unwelcome guest would still be here nearly 4 years on.

So i'm now left with constant worry, i don't just mean i worry about the bills or i worry about my son falling over, i worry about everything! Will i crash the car? What if i have a heart attack? What if i have cancer? What if i make a fool of myself? What if i have a panic attack? What if people judge me?........ Ok so you get the picture, my whole world is now contained in the 4 walls of my house because this is my 'safe place' i'm ok if i stay at home. I have a 2 year old boy and i feel like i let him down, i feel incredibly guilty because i can't take him for a walk, to the park, to playgroup etc.

I've tried 3 lots of CBT and they work at the time, but out of therapy i find it hard to put the things they teach you into practice. I have been offered antidepressants by gp after gp after gp but i can't take them because the side effects make me anxious. So what now? Is this the way i have to live? I've lost all my friends and nearly all my family because they don't understand anxiety, they don't understand why i cancel plans or why i won't leave my house. I'm hoping that writing this blog will help me understand my anxiety a bit more.

Anxious Annie